The Mind of An Alcoholic

Away from the rustle and bustle of the city, I confine myself in the refuge of my home. Here, I woke up to the twittering birds of the morning, to the soothing feel of the morning dew and to gracious smell of home-cooked meals.

I would have been totally satisfied except that every day of my stay, I wake up to the scent of tequila, vodka and oh my favorite whisky. My mind fights the thought of getting drunk again but sobering up is just as hard here as it has always been in the city. Constant temptation are abound and who am I not to fall for them.

I am surrounded with reminders that I am as weak as a newborn child, vulnerable and easy prey. Can anybody help me? Can anybody save me from drowning into total delirium?

I guess no one can. I am but my own ally and it is I who can guard this slowly crumbling life of mine.

P. S. Vodka, Tequila and Whisky are our dogs and this is just a work of literature. Hehehe...The writer in me just wants to scribble this down.

of bottles and cigarettes

At times, a feeling of immense sadness envelopes your whole soul taking you into an abyss of inconsolable feelings. No amount feigning happiness could ever awaken you from such melancholic mode. Among the few common occurrences, accompanying it includes a seemingly endless flow of lacrimal water, a sudden bout with sleep and a deafening roar of silence only audible to what now is your highly-sensitive ears. How much resistance you may give, still, the emotion overwhelms you that you succumb to what it requires: to ponder on things trivial but equally affecting.

I have had my days. There are nights where I have been transported into this alter-realm, an alternate reality. I have been surrounded by darkness that a flicker of light, despite how minute, would be greatly appreciated. My emotions are so depressed making an overdose of anesthesia far more pleasurable. I may have wept to my heart’s content but somehow, the tears I cried are never enough. My eyes may be tightly shut yet an invisible hand forces it open. My ear ceases to function that despite in utter tranquility, I am troubled by waves of thoughts as turbulent as that of a stormy day.

I am nowhere. Wherever I seek refuge, I am followed. Whenever I call for help, no one heeds my call. My shrieks are as mute as the dead of the night are.

I am looking forward to a new day: to the rays of the sun that touch my tired skin, to the breath of fresh air of the morning and most especially, to the new tomorrow I am blessed to have.

I thank the bottles who have liberated me from the night that has been and to the cigarette sticks that were witnesses to my internal struggle. Somehow, I am not alone. I am alive and I have company.

My Kind of "Ideal"

I once said to a friend, I do not believe in an ideal person to love. You might as well marry or be in a relationship with a God before your ideal person's proximity becomes clear in your horizon. Sometimes, our minds play tricks on us that even fictitous thoughts buried deep in our subconcious rule over what is supposed-to-be sane and real. There is never a perfect person- only humans with flaws and shortcomings.

Despite that, still, anyone would want the best person to play the other half in the beautiful love story they'd want to be brewing- perhaps, the apt cream to their unique coffee. But the sad part of it is that the luxury of choice has never made itself available to love. You do not choose who you'd fall for. Love is never multiple choice or matching type but merely trial and error. It randomly strucks and when it does, you single-handedly face it head-on. You'd be lucky come out of it with simple bruises and cuts but more often than not, it results to pain and tears (never mentioning it is unreciprocated at times).

Now, if I am asked what my ideal person would be, I'd say that would be anybody who comes my way. She may fell short from my standards but if she evokes an emotion deep-rooted and genuine from me, I'd take her as she is. For me, love is growing together despite being two different individuals. In the end, I could always only hope for the best and expect the worse.

Ikaw, what is your kind of ideal?

High School and Today

My high school days have been the best days of my life's unpredictable unfolding. Despite the drama and the comedy surrounding it, I've had friendships kept, achievements to be proud of and most of all, lessons learned.

When I think back about my classmates, I ask myself what has happened to them? Are they the same individuals I've spent four years with? Of course, they aren't! So here are some updates based on what I know and what I've heard of...

Mary Jesseth - She dons a new last name. You heard me right, she is happily married- just this year- with a baby on the way or already out ( not quite sure!).

April Marie - Now, she teaches English at Mary Help of Christians School.

Melanie - Last I know, she's working somewhere in Banilad after finishing Accountancy.

Ernalie - I don't know much except that she is happily in a relationship. (Check her friendster).

Richelle - Currently, she is studying in CIT taking up Nursing.

Janice - She is working in Western Watts.

Danmar - I really have no idea.

Jelda - For sure, she has graduated Architecture from CIT. Apart from that, I do not have news.

Jofel Ann - I once saw her in SM. She is happy and healthy.

Marylou - She is in Accenture Manila.

Marichris - She just took the NCLEX. I am keeping my fingers crossed and I hope she passed it.

Maharlika - She is also working in Western Watts.

Cleofe - She is in Accenture Manila. Two years and going strong with her baby ( boyfriend!)!

Krisa - After a year plus in Western Watts, she has transferred to Lexmark. She is also in a long-term relationship with his bubu (boyfriend).

Duwan - She has been with Chinabank-Mandaue after graduating from college.

Cora - You'll be surprised at how prim and proper this spunky teacher has turned into.

Lavetta - She is an ESL teacher in Mabolo.

Hanna - At Mactan Doctors Hospital, she is an ER nurse.

Jerrielou - After the 2006 Nursing leakage hiatus, she now teaches at a Korean School in Lahug.

Emily - She is working in Taiwan with 3 years more in her contract.

Zyra - After two weeks in Singapore, she now works in Xlibris.

Eushemini - She's taking up her Masters in USJR and at the same time, works in Convergys.

Hannie - She is an Assistant Head Teacher in a Korean school in Lahug.

Gretchen - She is a full-time mom with two kids.

Remus - Last news was he graduated from CITE and has a gf.

Reymond - He took the Nursing Board Exam last December. As for the results, I got no idea.

Carlou - Yup, he graduated from the "Academy" and is now onboard an international ship.

Antonio - He is also onboard an international ship.

Julius - Baby number 2 on the way. He has a very cute baby boy as his first child.

Our classmates for a year or so:

Mafe - She is working in People Support.

Joanna - She is in Etelecare.

P.S. I know I lack a few names. These are the people I simply or intentionally forgot. Do remind me!

Again, what is written here may not be necessarily true anymore.

At LonG lasT

After what has been an all-nighter (stuck at home with nothing to do!), at exactly this time-five minutes to 1PM- i am struggling to keep my weary eyes open, my sanity's on the brink of total oblivion and my thoughts are entangled with something from a cosmos way farther than my imagination would or could fathom. Yet here I am: still pushing, still blogging.

BUT now, I decide to rest (hopefully, not for good!) and content myself with the comforts brought about by three most unlikely allies: my blanket-the only protection from the swarming, blood-sucking mosquitoes ready to feast at my tired self, my pillow- my girl, my lover and my friend rolled into one lifeless companion and our sofa- the refuge that would lull me into somewhat a sense of security.

Enough said, bye for now!

Necesito dormir!

My virgin post on friendster

maybe you'd say i'm so full of myself but if you think about it i'm not...the reason behind this awful flapping of words is that my dreaded day is two weeks away...
it's makes me so f**ked up to think that i'll turn 23 and all that but, i have yet to finish college, my short-lived works are all in the bin and my lovelife is far from exciting...
i am but still the student who dutifully does what "normal" studes do...projects to pass, deadlines to make, and cut-offs to pull through.. of course, drinking binges on the side are welcome distractions.
i cannot say i am happy..or totally happy...i never imagined life would be this way at 23...i was expecting to have a decent job and provide for my parents...my folks are old and the longer i stay in this deep shi*, the longer are they unable to enjoy the fruits of years of hardwork and rearing... i am not the best son, never considered myself one, but i want a comfortable life my mama and papa rightfully deserve...
but maybe He has other plans for me? maybe i'm bound for bright future after all?
i know i still have tricks up my sleeve...i just hope that these mere tricks work...
life ain't easy but i know for sure, my family and my friends are there to back me way way up to where my dreams lie...

PS: next time i'll post my article when i was in high school...just in retrospection...hehehe